Balada malam minggu: Deal with constant sadness

I am sad.

I've been sad for multiple times: when someone took my favorite and claimed it as her/his; when I have to share my favorite with someone that I don't like; when I know defending myself will hurt someone else; when I couldn't go home even I knew my parents were sick; when I was trapped in 'situation' that I don't understand and I couldn't discuss it with anyone --- I could name them all, on the great wall, day long and it won't be enough. And my ultimate sadness, kind of sadness that I couldn't overcome just with ice-cream and chocolate --- wrecked my life. My heart is in chaos, my feeling is mint. I'm so scared, I try to get the word out to explain the feeling but it is always failed because it's completely able to ruin everybody fantasy.

How I response those are with crying and negative thinking. I will cry for most of the time over these gloom. I could cry with barely no noise so no one at home knew it; and also I could cry like a baby till my eyes swollen like a pair of meat-balls and don't care with anything around me. I might think about hurting people, even hurting myself. It is countless that I curse in my mind, I also swear a lot I my head.

I completely has no sense.

Until the feeling to be better is bigger enough to fight this misery. The feeling of not being destroyed by those fvcking distress grows. No, I won't let myself be taken down by sorrows. I start to accept it as part of my life and try to deal with it.

I start searching this 'sadness' things in internet to have better acknowledgement since this stupid blues constantly comes to my life --- creeping under the shadow of constructive happiness that I've built with all strength I have. I won't let this dark leads me to depression; I won't let it consume me.

Thing that I could do is keep myself off things that could lead me to pain. I won't dig anything on something that is known rotten already. I learn to accept that some part of this world cannot be fixed, remain broken. All I need is close my eyes, close my ears and ignore that.

It's not the same with 'not fighting'.

It's the way I fight for my life. My happiness.

The way not to let my self buried in sinking mud.